Ask Me Again in 5 Years
Extract: 'Human action Similar a Lady, Think Like a Homo'
Read an excerpt of the legendary entertainer'due south new book for women.
Feb. 24, 2010 — -- With a decades-long career in telly, including his own show, Steve Harvey has conquered the media earth. Just during his rocket-similar shot to the top, Harvey had his share of relationships and gained a lot of feel with women.
Now he's turning this feel into sage advice for the fairer sexual practice. Like the title of his book says, a woman could learn a lot if she would "Act Similar a Lady, Think Like a Homo."
Check out an excerpt of the book below, then caput to the "GMA" Library for other swell reads.
Chapter ten: The V Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets In Too Deep
had only gotten to Hollywood and I was seeing a lot of things my then thirty-eight-year-one-time eyes had never seen before. One of those that stood out well-nigh was the lifestyle of a famous and well-regarded glory, whose name I'g just going to go ahead and go along to myself. Just this much I will tell yous: this man had information technology all—money, fame, and a bevy of super-beauties so bad he could have easily made Hugh Hefner scratch his head and wonder how he could go far on that action. I mean this man was surrounded by gorgeous women. A lot. All. The. Time. And I was amazed at this considering I couldn't understand how 1 person could get all of these fine women like this. I mean, he wasn't the best-looking dude in the business—there were others with more than money, more prestige, and certainly better looks than him. Withal, he was a master at keeping a stack of solid tens at all times, with commitments to none of them. I'd heard well-nigh these superplayers with supermodels on their arms and everything, but when I saw it up close, I was amazed at how the actual connections could happen, and especially why these women stayed with this guy, knowing that they were 1 of many hanging on his arm.
And I needed to know how this was done (um, not neces¬sarily so that I, likewise, could accept supermodels hanging on my every word, but considering I was genuinely blown away by the phenomenon). So I sat downward and talked to this guy and a agglomeration of other men who were in similar "relationships" and asked them point-blank: How practise you keep these women coming back for more than? And each 1, including the most notorious of the bunch, laughed, shook his head, and said pretty much the same thing: those women want the money, the fame, and the lifestyle, and they're willing to put up with a lot of things—not many of them good—to get information technology. "Only do they realize," I asked in all earnestness, "that this is going nowhere?" The one guy shook his head some more and said, only, "They don't know where it'south going because they never inquire." He added: "What am I supposed to practice—tell them I'm just using them for sex and arm candy? It only is what it is."
Blew me away.
And the more I asked the same questions of guys in similar situ¬ations, I heard the aforementioned answer, again and again. And each fourth dimension I asked them what could have fabricated information technology unlike for the women they were with, almost down to the letter, each i of those men said the same matter: if a adult female came to me and quizzed me up front about my intentions, they would take known from the beginning that I'm not looking for anything serious. They don't ask, each one said, because they think they're going to run me off, so I become to simply string them along. And the 1 celebrity who seemed to be the primary of all of this said, quite just, "I have plenty of them so that when I get the questions, I don't have to answer because for every 1 adult female who asks, I have two more who won't." Call this what you want: foul; incorrect; inexcusable—what¬ever. But that'southward how it is. And this kind of thinking from guys isn't only happening in celebrity circles, trust me. It happens with everyday guys—doctors and lawyers, truckers and deliv¬erymen, besides. Some of them have as many women equally some of my glory friends, and the women they run game on are just as fine every bit some of the supermodels clinging to the artillery of stars. But if you're a woman on a cord of three or thirty-iii, you're still on a cord. And both you and I know that's not a good place to be. Your objective is to avert being on the string.
The beginning step, I call up, is to get over the fear of losing a homo past confronting him. But stop being afraid, already. The most successful people in this world recognize that taking chances to go what they want is much more than productive than sitting around being likewise scared to take a shot. The aforementioned philosophy tin can easily be applied to dating: if putting your requirements on the table means you lot chance him walking away, information technology'due south a run a risk y'all have to take. Considering that fear can trip you upward every fourth dimension; all too many of you let the guy become away with disrespecting you, putting in minimal effort and holding out on the commitment to you because you're agape he'south going to walk away and you'll exist solitary once more. And we men? Nosotros recognize this and play on it, big time. Know this: the game is one-time, and it's non ever going to change. My sons will do information technology the aforementioned way because they tin and there will exist women who allow information technology to happen. But you can cer¬tainly know the rules up front, and alter upwards your strategy, and then you don't become played.
How do y'all do this? Start past making the man exist really articulate upward front about what he wants out of his life and his relationship with you. You do this by asking him these fundamental five questions— questions that will help yous determine right away what values this guy has and how you lot fit into his plans. I devised these ques¬tions subsequently years of watching men play women, and women fall¬ing for it, and constantly request myself and even some of my friends who are masters at the game, "If I were a woman, how could I avert all of this?" They're great questions, also—the answers volition tell you lot everything yous need to know about this guy in your life or the guy you hope to have in your life. Asking these questions will help you decide whether you should stick around to see where your human relationship goes, or if you should run really fast in the opposite management. Note: There'southward no need to delay asking these questions—ask them right away, as soon equally you think you might be remotely attracted to a human you lot've met. If he's turned off past the questions, so what: you lot have the right to the information. And if he isn't willing to answer them, well you know from the gate he's not the 1 for you.
Then allow's only get started with the questions. Remember: No. Fearfulness.
Question No. one: What Are Your Short-Term Goals?
If you're going to get into a relationship with a man, you should know what his plans are and how they fit into the key elements that make a human—who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. These 3 things, as I've already told you, are extremely important to whatever mature, grown man, and you take every right to know what he'due south doing right at present, and what he's planning over the next three to five years, to exist the existent, grown man he wants to be. His respond too volition help you determine whether yous want to exist a part of that plan or not. You'll know to throw upward your much-needed red flag if he doesn't have a plan at all.
If he'south got a programme, well dandy. Human activity like you're superinter¬ested and ask follow-upwardly questions—be the inquisitive, en¬thusiastic detective that you are. Men dear to talk nearly themselves. We practise this because nosotros know that in order to grab you, we have to impress y'all. So let us to impress. The more inquisitive and interested y'all are, the more infor¬mation he'll give you. Say things similar, "Wow, how did y'all go into that field?" or "How interesting—what does it have to make that successful?" And listen carefully. The whole time he's talking, you should be evaluating whether he'south air conditioning¬tually working hard to meet his goals or if he's a lazy dreamer just talking a whole lot of nonsense. You should also be fig¬uring out if you run into yourself in that curt-term plan; if you know what his program is, you can immediately assess if you want to be part of it and what role you can play in it, or if yous need to remove yourself from that equation. For in¬stance, if he says, "I'k a technician for the cable company, but I'1000 going to college at nighttime to earn my B.A. in engi¬neering so that I can move up the ranks at my chore," then yous know this guy has a program and he's executing information technology. Mayhap you lot tin fifty-fifty see yourself helping him written report or beingness in that location for him at graduation and giving him suggestions for how to transform himself from the blueish-neckband worker who installs the cablevision to the engineer who helps build the technology for the cable visitor. The betoken is, he has a plan and he's piece of work¬ing toward information technology, which ways that he's trying to be the man he wants to be—the kind that just might fit in line with what you're looking for in a skillful, solid mate.
But if you ask him what his brusque-term goals are, and he tells you something crazy, like "I'chiliad in street pharmaceuticals, and right at present I have one cake only my goal in the next few years is to have 10 blocks on the due west side from Henry Street to Brown Street," well, so you know right then and there that you can keep ahead and keep it moving. The same applies to the man who states his short-term goals, just clearly has no plan to implement them. For instance, if he says his dream is to be a producer, but he's not doing anything in the field to really become 1—he'south non interning or working for a film com-pany, he's non writing or reading whatever scripts, he's not making any connections in the manufacture that might open some doors for him, he hasn't worked for four months and has no prospects of a job in the field he says he's interested in—then you know this man doesn't have a plan. And if he doesn't have a plan, he's not going to accomplish his short-term goal—or it's actually non a goal, he'due south only talking out of his behind. Either mode, y'all may not want to sign up for his plan. Only stick to your own. Sure, in that location'south a chance that he might get it together and make it in the indus¬attempt, but why do you have to sign up for that? If he's got this whole pie-in-the-sky dream, effigy out if he'southward lying at that place look¬ing at the stars, or if he'due south got a jet pack strapped to his back and he'southward about to take off to become grab that dream.
Question No. 2: What Are Your Long-Term Goals?
Trust me on this: a human who really has a vision for where he wants to meet himself in ten years has looked into his time to come and seriously considered what it'll take for him to get there. Information technology ways he has foresight, and he'due south plotting out the steps to his time to come. If he says something silly similar "I'm just trying to make it day by twenty-four hours," run. If his long-term plan is the same as his short-term plan, become out. Immediately. Because his answer tells you that he hasn't thought his life through, or he doesn't come across you in it and then he has no reason to divulge the details to yous. All he's got for you is game. If he doesn't have a plan, why exercise you desire him to stick around, anyway?
The man you should consider spending a little time on is the i who has a plan—a well-thought-out plan that you can encounter yourself in. Considering please believe me when I tell you—and like I told yous in an before affiliate—a man always has a programme. I know I did when I first started working as a comedian. I knew before I even told my first joke in forepart of an audience that within the next v years, my goal was to become a headliner and make at least $two,500 a calendar week. With my eye on that prize, I was shortly making $two,500 a week, and happy about it, also. Still, I wanted to become a headliner, and I upped the ante: at present I wanted to make $v,000 to $7,500 per week. It took me about eight years, but I managed to run across my financial goal—and I was happy nigh that, also.
And and then I met Sinbad.
Now at the time, Sinbad was working at a one-act club in Birmingham, where he'd become so big, he was making $l,000 to $70,000 a week at this ane detail club. Every. 7. Days. And I knew I wanted a piece of that action. His success fabricated me realize that there was something to this comedy thing—that I needed to set in place a long-term plan that would afford me the kind of life I could come across was possible for a comedian. I wanted to get on television to provide a life¬style for my family that would make them proud. I envisioned my life this way, and and then created a plan for how I was going to get it. Now, I knew it wasn't going to be easy—that it would take fourth dimension, because there were very few one-act clubs where y'all could brand that kind of coin, and you had to accept the right connections and a keen squad to help go y'all there. Simply the point is, I had a long-term plan, with steps on how I was going to get there. Eventually, I reached those goals and then some.
Once you lot hear your potential mate's reply to questions number i and number two, you'll accept a firm understanding of the kind of man you're dealing with. Do not tie your life together with a man who does not take a plan, because you'll find out that if he'due south not going anywhere, sooner or later, you'll be stuck, too.
Question No. 3: What Are Your Views on Relationships?
Now this one is a multiple-role question that sizes up how a man feels about a gamut of relationships—from how he feels almost his parents and kids to his connection with God. Each answer will reveal a lot more most him—whether he's serious about delivery, the kind of household in which he was raised, what kind of father and hubby he might be, whether he knows the Lord, all of that. And the only mode you'll detect out the answers to these questions is to ask. Do information technology before you kiss this man, maybe even before you agree to proceed a date with him—this is a nifty phone chat, for sure. And don't be shy or nervous nearly asking these questions, either, considering what are y'all supposed to exist doing with this homo if not talking to him? If he has a problem talking about this right here, so something's incorrect. Run.
First, detect out how he feels about family unit. What are his views on it? Does he want a family unit? How does he feel nigh children? If you accept a kid, tell your human about him or her—it'south his business to know, just more important, it's your business to notice out if he sees himself being a father. If he doesn't want kids and yous do, then you lot can stop all of this correct now. (Please know that if a man says he doesn't want kids, he's probably not going to change his heed, regardless of the intensity of his feelings for you.) Moreover, if he doesn't like kids and you already have them, where, exactly, is this relationship going?
Next, ask him near his relationship with his female parent. It'southward the first human relationship a human has with a woman, and if he has a good rails record with her, and so chances are he knows how to treat a woman with respect and has some kind of idea of how to profess, provide, and protect not simply a woman but a potential family, likewise. I don't know a boy living whose mother isn't exist¬loved. We learn to protect her and provide for her; nosotros learn about the bones cadre of dear for a woman from her. Indeed, if a man is at odds with his mother, it's a condom bet that he's going to be at odds with you. If you hear whatsoever part of "Man, me and my mother? We merely don't get along . . ." in his answer, erase his number and texts from your phone and proceed information technology moving.
After you find out how he feels about his mother, ask him about his father. If he had a great relationship with his dad, then he was probably raised with a core set of values that he'll bring to your potential home together. Now, I understand that a whole host of men grew upward without fathers in their households, but chances are that the man yous're interested in had a male person role model in his life who showed him the ropes of manhood, or maybe the absence of his own father taught him a few things about what he doesn't want to practise when he becomes a father. At any charge per unit, ask questions virtually his relationship with his begetter, and his answers are jump to reveal the kind of father he simply might turn out to be.
You're also going to have to ask him about his relationship with God. Allow me be direct: if you run across a human being who doesn't accept a human relationship with God, he doesn't go to church and has no intention of ever going, and he has no belief organization he can indicate to as a guiding force in his life, then it's a problem. Later on all, what moral barometer does he answer to if not to God? What's going to make him even consider being loyal to you? What'due south going to make him practise right by you and the kids? What'due south going to make him feel whole? I'm not proverb that you lot shouldn't date a man who doesn't go to church, or who has a different belief organisation than you. But if his cadre beliefs don't match upwardly with yours, you're likely to accept a problem.
These next ii questions should be asked later on you've been talking and dating for a while. Ideally, ask them earlier you have parted with the cookie (y'all know what I mean). If you take already had a sexual encounter with the man, you can enquire these questions anyhow. The answers may hurt a little chip more, but at least you'll know.
Question No. iv: What Exercise You Think Near Me?
At present, this one yous'll accept to inquire subsequently a few dates, because he'south going to demand time to get to know you. Just his answer will exist critical because it will reveal to you what his plans for yous are. If y'all've been out on a couple of dates and you've had lots of conversation, you lot know something nearly him, but what's more than important, you want to know what he is thinking near yous. You have a right to know. Oh, trust me, he thought some¬matter about y'all when he outset walked upward to you, and you demand to know what it is. He was attracted to something—he liked your hair, your eyes, your legs, your outfit. He didn't walk over there merely to be walking. Beyond the initial attraction, however, men pretty much know if you're the kind of woman they're going to sleep with and keep it moving, or if they're going to stick around and meet if they desire more. This, you volition exist able to tell past his answers.
Question No. 5: How Do You Feel Almost Me?
Now this is not to be confused with what do yous "think" about me—"recall" and "feel" are two wholly unlike things. And if a human cannot tell you lot how he feels most you lot after a calendar month of dating, it's considering he doesn't experience anything for you—he but wants something. Enquire a human how he feels about you, and he's going to get dislocated and nervous: "I told you before—I retrieve you lot're . . ." he begins. You cutting him right off and say, "No, no, I want to know how you feel nearly me." He might shift in his chair, scratch his caput, light a cigar—whatsoever¬thing to exit of giving you lot an respond or thinking of what he thinks you lot want him to say. Merely you'll have to get him to respond information technology.
The "I recollect yous're cool" answer isn't going to cut it here, ladies. And if, later you've asked the question and probed deeper, y'all realize his feelings for you don't run very deep— that he'south only not at that place—then yous demand to not be in that location, too. Pump the brakes until you start hearing and feeling from him the things that you lot recall are important to hear and experience from a human being with whom y'all're willing to forge a human relationship.
We men are fully aware that we accept to reply these ques¬tions, and any real man is going to answer them. You lot may not necessarily like the answers, merely he's going to respond them. If he refuses, then don't bother with him. Don't think that you lot're going to work information technology out later—that you lot'll expect him out until he gets more than comfortable with you—because that would be noth¬ing more blind hope. Before you know it, you lot'll be find¬ing out the difficult way that this isn't the guy for you, and y'all'll be starting all the conversations with your girlfriends like this: "You know, I slept with him and he's not well-nigh annihilation, I don't even know if he likes kids. . . ." Don't let this happen. Empower yourself—it's your right to know all of these answers upward forepart; per my 90-day rule, which you'll find in the next affiliate, you need to ask these questions inside the first few months of a courting.
If you're already in a relationship with someone, these ques¬tions are all the same valid if y'all don't know the answers. You lot tin can ask them for clarification. Or you may need to enquire them with the hope that they'll solidify what you may already know—either that y'all demand to go out of your human relationship or that you are headed in the right management. His answers may help yous cut your losses, before you invest too many more than years in a rela¬tionship that isn't going the way you want it to go. Or they may brand you lot say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm with this man."
Know, also, that though we'll answer the questions because nosotros similar talking about ourselves, our answers just may brand united states of america consider the adult female who's asking the questions in a different lite. We definitely want to know where our women stand on these issues, too, but nosotros're not going to bring it up—especially if our intentions for you aren't pure. But in your conversations effectually these issues, your man just might learn something well-nigh you, as well, something that makes him know he's got a pretty solid woman on his side. Say, for instance, he tells you that he wants to be an engineer and he's going to night schoolhouse to get his caste, and you tell him that you have a few friends who are engineers and you can offering to introduce him to them so that they tin can requite some helpful advice equally he works toward his new career. When you offering that helping hand, he starts to think, "Wow, this woman is interested in my goals and ambitions. She's offering to assistance me out. Maybe she might be the one to become me to the side by side level." And he might just envision including yous in those "side by side level" plans.
Run across, you're getting information from him and plugging yourself into all these slots—do I see myself in his short-term plans, his long-term plans, as a role of his family, having babies with him, helping him continue a solid relationship with his mom, being a role-model dad for our kids, the whole flick? Only information technology's a 2-way street: know that this guy you're quizzing is listening to these intelligent, inquisitive questions, and calculat¬ing whether y'all're a woman who is his keeper or just a sports fish.
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Source: https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Books/steve-harvey-questions-woman-deep/story?id=9925391
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